The Internet Reacts to The Bachelor

Bachelors Australiaplural noun I still get whiplash from writing because I can’t believe there are three blocks premiered and there are opinions on the internet.

I have my thoughts too. My friends have feelings. In fact, I was checking Twitter for reactions when a friend told me she was having a fever dream. Bachelors Australia they were shouting together with their mother and friends.

It’s hard to say exactly when the yelling started, but it probably started on the first day that one of our lead guys, Jed McIntoshwent on a date with a lovely psychology student named Caitlin.

Jed, as a 32-year-old virgin who had never enjoyed the visceral thrill of human contact, was immediately attracted to Caitlin. She didn’t feel the same and politely turned him down.

For reasons that can only be described as “inexplicable” and “disturbing”, Jed reacted as if he had hurt a kitten right before his eyes. A confident aggressive, spiteful tantrum—a mantrum, if you will—this literally grown-up rant was the wildest thing I’d ever witnessed. I would be inclined to believe that Twitter feels the same way.

Twitter also noted that the producers had just gone on first dates, which, as we all know, was a far cry from the usual “walking the red carpet and praying you say something remotely funny. you try to make an impression, he immediately falls in love with you” Bachelors franchise usually gives.

And you know what? The speed at which we flew between dates was nothing short of terrifying. I actually had to fasten my seat belt and take the stand position because there was no sign of slowing down.

There was a Felix von Hofe and Crystal‘s HOT and HORNY body paint history featuring his BONER referred to as a PAINTBRUSH.

We saw Jed and Jasmin do intimate yoga and STRETCH each other’s BODIES, it frankly made me sick. But young Machine gun Kelly His wife of 40 years left him for the local butcher who still longs for him and just … walked away And then a few minutes later he reappeared clutching a flower?

Twitter made sure the producers told him to just give him a goddamn rose, because you know they spent thousands of dollars to set up these deeply disgusting first dates and the show depends on him giving flowers to women. I mean, my foil hat was solid.

Felix is ​​someone I’m starting to like because he seems to have a bit of a personality, unlike the hyperactive kid Jed and the kid. Thomas Malucelli in the middle of winter she went to see a midwife who would definitely clothe her future children in linen – who brought along an educational rubber vagina and delivered her baby.

In a truly naughty move, Channel 10 blurred the aforementioned educational rubber vagina. It looked like this.

This is a really educational rubber vagina. Image credit: The Bachelors / Channel 10.

However, the absolute crazies in the editing room didn’t cut out a scene from Felix’s meeting with Crystal where he literally adjusted his rock on screen? The internet and I was shocked to tell you SHOCKED.

There were so many dates that I lost track of. Despite their large numbers, none of Thomas’s was memorable. If you describe a date to me, it’s gone, or you’d do it differently [REDACTED] Tell me, my family, that I love them, because I’m damned.

Still, Twitter noticed she was handing out flowers like it was going out of style. Just unlimited roses, like the floral equivalent of one of Willy Wonka’s brave rooms with an endless supply of chocolate. And our Thomas? When it came to flowers, he was a greedy little Augustus Gloop.

The last meeting, I think, was with Felix Abigailwho made history wearing his cat Mini in a backpack. I never brought anything material other than a phone, wallet, keys, etc., but these girls were there with all their worldly things (pets, rubber vaginas for studying).

Abigail was giving Zooey Deschanel strange and his cat was a star. The internet was spinning like it was dipped in a big bowl of mini cream.

That being said, bringing your cat on a date is an option in and of itself (no offense, Abigail). Still, for some reason, the cat backpack wasn’t the weirdest part of the meeting—it was Felix handing out more roses. Nada. Zilch.


Anyway, as the legend goes, Felix surprised himself by actually liking Abigail and Mini the cat, and faced the classic pickle of not having a rose in hand. We’ve all been there, champ!

So what did Felix do? He called Jed, who was allegedly on a date painting a denim jacket (???) (there was no woman to be seen) and asked him for a rose. There was a rose swap, and the internet (and I) thought it was bananas, people, totally nuts.

The show ended with the girls arriving at the bachelorette and not realizing there was more than one bachelorette. Chaos ensued. Then came a montage of crying girls and our three deeply Caucasian Bachie boys being perverted and sentimental.

The end! If you get to the end of this story and realize you haven’t actually watched the first episode Bachelors AustraliaYou can read our amazing summary here.


Image: The Bachelors Australia / Channel 10 and Twitter / @LLP184

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